Relationship Security

Have you ever had someone say to you, “Why are you like that?” Or maybe you’ve asked yourself that question about others. There are reasons for our behaviour. Some of them we don’t understand; some we are not even aware of, and never will be.

In her book, Relationship Security, author Kathleen Price shows us that, along with some other factors, our experiences, even those we have as young children, shape us into the adults we become. They influence our responses to nearly every situation we deal with as we go through life.

Most of us seek a loving, caring relationship in which there is mutual trust. As young adults, we are optimistic about finding the right person who will fulfill that expectation. If we haven’t witnessed an example of a secure bond in our parents’ relationship, marriage may bring disillusionment when we perpetually need to protect ourselves because we don’t feel secure. At the same time, we may discover that we are blaming our partner for faults we don’t want to see in ourselves.

Using her own experiences Ms. Price analyzes how events in her life have affected her relationships. She uses an engaging method of bringing the reader in, alternating the narratives of parts of her life with passages from psychologists and other professionals.

Each chapter features an “insight” section containing the reliable concepts and theories, which she applies not only to her past, but her present challenges. With this understanding, she is better able to let down her defenses and embrace her relationships more fully in a calm, trusting, and optimistic way.

In reading Ms. Price’s book, we can see why some of her early experiences have caused her to react in certain ways as she encounters situations in her adult life. We may be able to identify with many of the conclusions of professionals, and possibly find them helpful in our own daily living.

          In Relationship Security Kathleen Price records her experience growing up in a family in which two committed parents were not able to establish a trusting relationship. The same problem repeats itself in her first marriage as she and her husband grapple with the challenges of parenthood without a secure bond. A divorce and remarriage follow, but this time she and her new husband, who is also disillusioned by a first marriage, are determined not to make the same mistakes again. Both acknowledge they shared the responsibility for the failure of their first marriages, but they don’t yet understand how or why.

          Her book reveals a progression of awareness as the author strives for security and nurturing, not only with her spouse, but her children, siblings, in-laws, and close friends. Each chapter features an “insight” section containing the reliable concepts and theories, which she applies not only to her past, but her present challenges. With this understanding, she is better able to let down her defenses and embrace her relationships more fully in a calm, trusting, and optimistic way.

I was deeply moved by Ms. Price’s autobiographical writings. Her story is bravely told. She faces her shortcomings honestly with a view to discovering why she has made some of the decisions that have shaped her life. Relationship Security is very readable and will give you a lot to think about after you close the book.

You can find this great book at amazon.com

Kathleen Price

Kathleen Price began her professional career as a family life educator and marriage and family therapist. Since her retirement she has published two books, both based on her personal experience. She lives with her husband in Las Cruces, New Mexico and can be reached via her website: www.kathleenprice.org.

Two Misuses That Drive me Crazy

Regard/Regards

This one drives me crazy.

Two of the main uses for this word are when it means “about” and when it means “greetings.”

You can correctly say, “I haven’t seen your aunt for a long time. Please give her my regards.” (Notice the “s” on the end of the “regards”?) Used in this way, it means to tell someone that you are thinking of them.

When you are referring to some topic, you can correctly say, “With regard to (the topic)…” or you can say, “Regarding (the topic) ….” But you should NEVER say, “With regards to (the topic)…” unless you are asking someone to say hi to the topic or to give the topic your greetings.

Several news anchor people on CTV News regularly say, “With regards to …” when they mean, “With regard to….” The anchor person says, “With regards to the rioters…” and I immediately roll my eyes, groan, and say, “Yes, please give the rioters my regards too, while you’re at it.”

Many people make this mistake in word usage, and that is not so bad in personal speech or in emails or private communications, but I draw the line at publishing. By that, I mean anything that you write for the public to read. I include signs in the grocery store that tell you the price of broccoli, peppers, and cauliflower, for example. They are not brocolli, pepers, and callaflower.

Especially, if you are publishing a program on TV, it is your duty to use the correct form. Otherwise we would soon have news anchors reading the news with all sorts of bad grammar habits. (I fear it may be too late already).

While I’m ranting about news anchors and their mistakes, here is another one that I hear frequently.

Amount/number, less/fewer

This one drives me almost as crazy.

News Anchor: “The amount of people who came to the meeting was overwhelming.”

Me: “So about how many pounds of people would you say were there? Three thousand pounds? Four?”

It should be the number of people.

News Anchor: “There were less people at the meeting this year.”

Me: “Oh? About how many pounds less would you say?”

It should be fewer people, not less people.

If the quantity is something you can count individually, you say, the number of people or fewer people.

If those people were just so much hamburger all in a lump, you could say, “The amount of hamburger  was overwhelming,” and “There was less hamburger at the meeting.”

Amount and less are words used for measuring something that could be a mass or something that could be weighed as a whole (if necessary).

Now I’m shaking in my boots that I’ve made a typo in this post. After all, I’m publishing it, and to the best of my ability, it should be correct. I should probably hire a copy-editor.

More Troublesome Words

Troublesome words fill the English language. Here are some more to add to your list of words to watch for.

pear/pair/pare

She preferred the pear to the apple. She loved pears so much that she took two from the bowl and ate the pair of them. They had some blemishes so she decided to pare them first.

peel/peal

Just as she took the peel off the pears, the church bells began to peal.

aural/oral

Her aural senses told her that the church bells rang twelve times. Since that meant it was lunch time, she gratified her oral senses by biting into the pears.

recipe/receipt

“I must get the recipe for that pear cake,” she thought. “But is it too expensive to make pear cake? I’ll check the receipt from the store to see how much I paid.”

continual/continuous

The sound of phones ringing was continual in the call center, but when the fire alarm rang, the shrill sound of it was continuous for several minutes.

principle/principal

The principles of gravity are fundamental truths. Isaac Newton learned of one of them in 1666 when an apple hit him on the head as he sat under an apple tree.

He went to the principal’s office to report this revelation about gravity. No one believed him at first, but he was determined and stuck to his principles as he minded his manners and insisted that he would be famous one day.

weary/wary

We walked for miles through the forest, and although weary we kept our eyes open and were wary of any strange rustling sounds in the bushes.

conscious/conscience/conscientious

I was conscious of the subtle pressure from my employer, but my conscience would not allow me to go along with his suggested illegal action.

At this point I think you have all been very conscientious if you are still with me.

Redundancies

Did you know that redundant comes from the Latin verb “redundare,” to overflow? Sometimes we use superfluous words without realizing it. Some writers do it on purpose, mistakenly thinking that more words will make a good impression. Instead, wordiness can be a boring turn off.

Words beginning with the prefix “re,” which means “again,” or “back,” can be particularly troublesome. If you see the prefix, “re,” in a word, chances are that it means to do something again.

Restart – start again

Remake – make again

Redo – do again

Revert – go back

(You get the picture.)

When “re” does the job of “again,” it is redundant (superfluous) to repeat “again.”

Be careful not to use this needless repetition.

“He restarted the car again.”

“Let’s return back home again.”

“She reverted back to her childhood.”

“The teacher insisted I redo the homework again.”

“Again” and “back” are redundant.

*****

Here are some more cases of redundant word usage. You can remove the words marked in red and not lose the meaning.

He is a man who says what he believes.

There is no doubt but that he will be late.

She spoke in a rough manner (roughly).

As to whether he will be there, I don’t know.

The fact that … (Completely unnecessary)

Owing to the fact that … (Replace with “since”)

In spite of the fact that … (Replace with “although”)

Politicians like to use repeated (redundant) words for emphasis.

Here is a man who is honourable.

Here is a man who is hard working.

Here is a man who is reliable.

And here is a man who is trustworthy.

This could all be said in one sentence.

This man is honourable, hard working, reliable, and trustworthy.

Unless you are trying for emphasis, it is best to stay away from redundant words and phrases. Even so, there are better ways to make an emphatic point.

Overused Words and Expressions

We all have words and phrases that we tend to overuse. In our writing, we need to watch for repeated words. If possible, avoid using the same word twice in one sentence and check for repetition within a paragraph.

Often they are words we overuse in our speech as well. Some of mine were “maybe,” “just,” and “so.” But more than being annoying to the reader, what starts out to be only a bad habit can damage our writing in more serious ways. By using our favourite expressions, we add a chattiness to our writing that may or may not be called for. It also prevents us from searching for a more specific, suitable word.

If you know what some of your pet repeated words are, you could use Find in your Word program and it will take you to each instance of the repeated word. You then have the option to change it to something more interesting or to delete it. You’ll be shocked at the repetitions you’ll find.

Another method that is surprisingly simple but works well is to read your work out loud. You’ll be amazed at what you notice. You’ll make corrections automatically because what you wrote doesn’t “sound right” when read aloud.

Why not give it a try and read a page of your writing out loud?

You may find that some of your repeated words and expressions are clustered in a small section of your work. Almost in the same way that we get a song on the brain, so we have a word or expression that comes out in our writing almost without our bidding. Perhaps by the time you write another page, you have had a break, or a night’s sleep, and that word is no longer “on your brain,” so it won’t reappear until later on, if at all.

Many of the repeated or overused words are not even necessary to the writing. Try it out and see if you really need that pet word.

Some commonly overused words:

then, now, maybe, even, anyway, so, like, pretty, very, really, little, kind of, bit of, big, you know, would, nice, said, finally, at last.

There are many more, but we each have our own special expressions. We need to become aware of what they are. Then we must ask ourselves, “Is this exactly what I want to say, or is it filler?”

Warning Signs: A Story about Obsession

Horror and gruesome killing upset me and I don’t like to read about these details. But author, Carol Balawyder, handles the murder scenes in her novel about a serial killer so deftly that I just wanted to keep turning pages – never having the urge to hide my eyes – only wanting to know more.

Once I was hooked (on the first page), she introduced the characters gradually, allowing me to get to know them as they each struggled with various dilemmas. Ms. Balawyder expertly slipped in details that would be needed later to make the culmination of the plot flow easily. Nothing happens that seems contrived, because the groundwork was laid earlier in the book.

Each of the characters had major flaws but they also had redeeming traits. Even Eugene, the serial killer, was not all bad. Imagine empathizing with a serial killer!

The tension regarding the murderer escalates, and we expect this, but when he befriends Angie, their internal conflicts come into play as well. We already understand why Angie would fall for someone like Eugene, because, by now, we know her personality. But will Eugene hurt Angie? What will Angie do once she suspects that Eugene may be the killer?

What about Darren, the policeman who finds Angie attractive? Will his feelings toward her interfere with his murder investigation?

I was impressed by the way this novel’s plot flowed so smoothly, pulling me in as the characters I came to know so well became entangled in it.

After being drawn into the story on page one, I didn’t want to put the book down until I read, “THE END,” and even then I was thinking about it after I closed the book.

Carol Balawyder

Visit Carol Balawyder’s page on amazon to see all of her novels.

Common Word Usage Errors

Most writers mix up a word or two now and then. Some writers mix up a lot of words a lot of the time. In novels that have not been copy-edited, I find a disturbing number of errors and those of word usage are some of the most glaring.

They are also the easiest for the writer to fix and to avoid in the first place.

Here are some examples of words and phrases that are often confused or misused.

I shudder when I see lay and lie misused, but it is such a common error that I have devoted a whole post to it. You can visit it here.

raise, rise

You rise when you get up, but when you lift something else up, you raise it.

The past tense is rose, or if you lifted something you raised it.

loose, lose

A knot could come loose, and then you might lose something you had tied up with it.

breath, breathe

When you take a breath, you breathe.

loath, loathe

You might be loath to do something that you loathe.

peek, peak, pique

Let’s take a peek out the window at the peak of Mount Kilimanjaro. Oh, no, not now. Maybe later. But you have piqued my interest.

But later, she was piqued by his rudeness, and huffed around the house in a fit of pique.

horde, hoard

A horde of people pushed their way towards the speaker.

During the Covid crisis, some people were hoarding toilet paper.

hang, hung

The picture was hung on the wall, but the man was hanged from the gibbet.

ensure, insure

You ensure (make sure) that something happens, but you insure (buy compensation) against losing money in case of an accident.

less, amount, fewer, number

Less and amount are used with quantities that cannot be counted individually, while fewer and number are used for things that can be counted.

There has been less cloud this week, but we have had fewer cloudy days.

A number of people have said that the amount of meat a person eats has a direct effect on their health.

affect, effect

What he said does not affect me directly, but the overall effect of his way of talking is that people like him less for it.

The list of word usage errors is quite long and I may post another list at a later time. For now, this is a start.

Long Sentences

Do you know what is both the shortest and the longest sentence in the world? Some say it is  — “I do.”

But this post is not about marriage counseling; it is about sentence length.

I know that when I’m reading, I don’t like overly long sentences. I was traveling in Germany many years ago and needed a new book to read. The local bookstore had no books in English, but I was desperate. I picked up one of the few German titles that looked familiar to me and decided to try reading it (in German) as a challenge. It was Anna Karenina, by Leo Tolstoy. I had learned German as a child and I looked on this book as a way to improve my command of the German language.

I was able to read and understand the words, but two things made my job extremely difficult. First, many of the sentences were very long. Second, the verb was usually at the end, as it often is in German. These two challenges nearly finished me. Luckily it was a good book and I wanted to know what would happen next. That helped me through it.

I came to the conclusion that I do not like to read long sentences. If I don’t like reading long sentences, why would I write them and inflict them on others?

Readers lose interest if they have to struggle to get the point of the sentence. Who wants to work that hard?  It takes the pleasure out of reading.

So! As a writer, I am offering some tips about writing sentences.

• Vary the length of sentences.
• Vary the type of sentences. (Don’t use the same structure for each one – Noun, verb, object. Noun, verb, object. Boring!)
• Use short sentences for emphasis. Occasionally, it might even be just a fragment (not a complete sentence).
• Use short emphatic sentences sparingly or you will lose the effect.

Generally, shorter is better. As a rule of thumb, more than 17 words is too long. Don’t think of that as a hard and fast rule, but rather as a guideline. Many writers string ideas together with connecting words such as but, and, while, since, which, so, and then. Often, these sentences would be much more effective if the connectors were taken out. The long boring sentence can then be reshaped into two good ones.

After you write a paragraph, check it for strong vocabulary and strong verbs. Add modifiers where warranted. If your writing is about a character, think about how he feels and add details to support this. Use rich language without being pretentious or unnatural.

Change it up. Mix it up. Pace yourself. Keep it interesting.